Mr. Granger (From the Mad World collection)

There is nobody stranger

than that funny Mr. Granger,

he's particularly peculiar

when it comes to girls.

He gets flustered

he gets flummoxed

and his tongue tied up in knots

and he plays with his fair hair

with his finger

making curls.

He profusely perspirates

and feels sticky to the touch

and his eye flickers twitching

like a tick,

but Granger is no stranger

to attention from the ladies

though the thought of him

cavorting

would make

most of us feel sick!

Montgomery's Ground (From the School Daze collection)

Monty Montgomery

was into astronomy

and studied the skies every night.

He longed to discover

a star that no other

had spied with their telescope sight.

Ignoring such things

as Saturn's great rings

and comets like Halley's and more.

To galaxies new

his fixation grew

he would find it one day, he was sure.

He gazed past the stars

beyond Neptune and Mars

and strained to see further each night.

And although just a hobby

stargazing for Monty

became an obsession by rights.

His magnified lens

now known by his friends

as Monty's great love of his life.

They joked in their circles

that Monty's queer querkles

would never attract him a wife.

But one night by chance

as he strained with a glance

a far away spec could be seen.

" Great heavens abound

I think I have found

a new Planet,"

came Monty's wild scream!

He noted directions

for future inspections,

then telephoned his closest friend.

" Old Monty dear boy,"

said Monty's friends Roy,

" We'd all thought you'd gone round the bend!"

He then soon became

a victim of fame

as news of his planet got out.

The spec he had found

named Montgomery's Ground

was the one thing the world talked about.

He had gazed at the stars

beyond planets like Mars

in fact to the furthest of space.

Now on stargazer's maps,

where before was a gap,

Monty's planet is there in its place!

The Triplets (From the Mad World collection)

Allison, Jenny, and Adam

were triplets

born to the Wests.

Now three pairs of feet

needed booties

and three tiny chests needed vests.

Two pairs of boots needed bows on

with the boy's little booties in blue

the vests worn beneath their pyjamas

in white

and they needed a few.

Two of the three needed pink sheets

one of the three blue or cream,

all of them needed clean nappies,

a cuddle and milk when they screamed.

Three little chairs round the table

and three safety seats in the car.

With ever the risk of a tantrum

the West would now rarely drive far.

The buggies of course a dilemma

A triplet?

A double and one?

The triplet perhaps on the wide side

and with two

on your own not much fun.

The West were in awe of their

babies

though three with a gap between each

would've made the West’s lives

so much easier

and attracted less crowds on the beach

But the Wests were a practical couple

so placed a small line in the ads

“ Nanny required, must have reference."

and sat by the phone with a pad.

The very next day an enquirer

they scribbled in pencil her name

Miss Gurtrude Eliza Macdonald

she’d arrive on the 7^th by train.

A fearsome figure in Tartan

stood at the door with a case

“Where are the dear little bliters?”

she hollered whilst dabbing her face.

The tremulous couple then gestured

across to the sitting room door

and before they could offer a cold drink

she was stomping across the tiled floor.

“You in the blue, stop that crying

and you two in pink not a peek!”

the tone of her voice far from soothing

resulted in terrified shrieks.

“ I’m not sure you’re right for this job Miss,

but we thank you for taking the time.”

“Nonsense young man, I am perfect

one reference, look here

I have nine!”

“ You don’t understand Miss Macdonald

the person we want for our three

needs to be kind,

calm and patient

someone in fact,just like me”

Realisation then hit them

no one could better a mum

and although the job was a hard one

she was finding the challenge quite fun

Three little hugs in the morning

Three lots of kisses and smiles

And three special words

I love you

Was the only help needed by miles!