Martha

Martha couldn't be described
as 'plump', or rather 'large',
'big' would understate her state
and so would
'like a barge'
Martha was a very special
5 star triple L
so finding clothes to fit her
she'd describe as shopping hell.

Camping shops sold' 4 man tents'
that just about went round,
she needed ones with awnings
for her arse that touched the ground.
The ones with built-in bedrooms
could be fashioned into slacks
and zip up inner pockets
could be used for storing snacks

One would quite imagine
that a lonely life she led,
as she would find it hard to fit another in her bed,
but dating on the world wide web
she didn't see as lude;
the virtual love she found would mean
she needn't share her food!

So Martha was quite happy
to continue with her passion
of stuffing herself silly
like it's going out of fashion.
Doctors tried to warn her
of the fate that surely meant
one day she would get so big that
she'd need a bigger tent.

But Martha was no martyr
and enjoyed her food too much
to change her ways of eating
though she couldn't see her crotch,
or tie her shoes, or touch her knees
or even wipe her bottom,
or find the food she's dropped between her breasts
and now forgotten.

Predictably, as fete would say,
she rumbled from below,
and like a trick
her girth began to
grow
then GROW
and GROW.
"A little wind", she chuckled
but the noise did not subside.
With one big bang,
like time began,
exploding Martha died.

The End

Keith's Teeth (From the 'Embarrassing Bodies' collection)

Keith had bucked teeth

That concealed underneath

A lip that was constantly wet.

He needed a brace

That wrapped round the whole face

But the question was

Dentist

Or Vet?

Although not a horse

As a matter of course

He contacted old Mr. Spice

The vet in the town

Who advised with a frown

He could work out a way

And a price.

But poor Keith said

“ Grief,

Are you sure you do teeth?”

When he looked at the pliers he’d use

Old Mr. Spice grinned

as he grabbed at Keith’s chin

And at that point how could Keith refuse?

A twist up and down

And a wiggle and frown

And in minutes Keith’s teeth

Were extracted.

But when he inspected

He hadn’t expected

No teeth

So he seemed quite distracted.

“How on earth will I whistle

Or chew up my food?”

Screamed the toothless young man in a spin.

He was sick to his teeth

Which by now were beneath

Mr. Spices’ old sink

in the bin.

“That’s 25 pounds.”

Said the vet looking round

In his drawers for a handful of change.

"If you get an infection

I'll give an injection

And tablets

I use to cure mange."

But poor toothless Keith

Wished he still had his teeth,

Or even a false set

would do

But with neither a stump

nor a post or a lump

There was nowhere to

Smear on the glue.

So with only gums left

Poor Keith was bereft

And the new look

Had changed his whole face.

He now wished he'd seen

the dentist who’d clean

and then polish and fit him a brace!

A Right Royal Mess (From the Mad World collection)

The camera flashed twice

the pictures looked nice

but part of her life had been snatched.

She could not erase

the evidence saved

and the truth of her deed

now attached.

The Princess' fame

in the public domain

meant that she was just

never alone.

Now caught in the act,

it was now a fact,

that her cover had been truly blown.

She had said to the prince

she was just popping out

and he hadn't suspected a thing.

But the body guard stayed,

by the fireside laid,

by the door she discarded

her ring.

The man that she met

from the advert she'd read,

did not have a clue of her class.

He was no Mr. Right,

she a little uptight,

on the pudding decided to pass.

It was really bad luck

as she stood by his truck

outside of that motorway caff,

in the act they were caught,

which put pay to his thought

of him taking her back to his gaff.

The very next day

with pictures displayed

all over the national papers,

the evidence seen

by no less than the queen,

showed the truth of the princess' capers.

Questions were raised,

the royals amazed,

there was nothing the prince wouldn't give.

But the crown not enough,

she just needed some rough

and to see how the other half live.

So another great scandal

for the royals to handle,

oh how to get out of this mess.

It was this time last year,

that the photos appeared

of the king on his horse in a dress!

They had let the side down

representing the crown

when a slice of true life they both sampled.

But with money they get

from the tax payer's net,

you would think they could set and example!

The Witch's Cat (From 'A Bit of An Animal' collection)

The words there to read

were designed to mislead

but a plan to get shot

of the cat was agreed.

Its plain evil stare

was a look of pure spite

as its eyes glowed deep red from the flash in the night.

The pets home so wanted

to re-home the cat

the words on the advert were lies

not of fact.

" gentle and friendly

and fully house trained;"

but the last of its owners

were seriously maimed!

Its claws were like talons

its teeth like sharp fangs,

it would lunge for the neck

and from there it would hang.

It would hiss spit and scratch

as it tried to attach

itself to ones face

with its claws it would latch.

There was nothing to like

in the deviant pet

to encounter its presence

one could try to forget,

but its stare would stay with you

and haunt you at night

and its venom possess

like a vampire's bite.

The woman in black

who replied to the ad

appeared to be smitten

with all that was bad,

so the pleasure she gained

from her new acquisition

put the pet's home indeed

in the greatest position.

"Its perfect!" she wined

in a cackling din

as she stroked the wild beast

with the strangest of grins.

"I'll take it!" she cried,

" it's a match made in hell,"

she laughed but we knew

that her joke was meant well.

Then off in the night

with the cat by her side

went the woman in black

like the devil's own bride.

So sleep with the light

for at night time they roam

like two wandering beasts

both in search of a home!

Leonard Sindon-Smyth! (From the Mad World collection)

Sir Leonard Sindon Smyth

was glad to be alive

whilst teetering on a brink and precipice.

Whilst climbing he had slipped,

then simply lost his grip,

thus realising it possible

to dislocate both hips.

He was no mountaineer,

now this of course was clear,

but persuaded by a thick and drunken mist,

so convincing him to climb,

how ridiculously sublime

the future lay beneath him

like a cavernous abyss.

He wracked his brains and thought

about the things that he'd been taught,

though was sure the manual gave no actual mention.

His straddled legs astride,

the gaping cavern wide;

he had no idea his legs could reach

the length of their extension!

He performed the perfect splits

as frost covered his lips,

the cold now setting his amazing posture.

He cried out but in vain,

as snow then turned to rain,

he was so relieved to hear the sound

of the air to sea helicopter!

The rescue now in place

what a picture was his face,

if only he could close his dangling limbs.

He feared they'd never close

as he looked out to his toes...

the helicopter crew men

had a job to get him in!

Poor Leonard Sindon-Smyth

unable now to drive

he travels in the back with windows down.

His chauffeur leads the way

and even now today,

you can see his feet protruding

as he's driven round the town!

The Village Food Fight Fete! (From the Mad World collection)

The village fete at Hicky Hall
had turned into a free for all,
food was flung from pew and chair
and fizzy drinks from gord knows where!

Fairy cakes and buttered scones
were tossed around like sugared stones
and very soon this ancient lodge was
split
splat
splodge
with sticky stodge!

Mrs Burn, with her blue rinse perm,
was hit as she poured from the old tea urn
and dear old Ned on his wooden leg
slid a full three foot on a hard boiled egg!

Poor Miss Proop, from the knitting group,
wearing a bowl of tomato soup,
saw dear old Nan do a
trip
slip
and stumble
as she walked past her chair with a bowl of crumble!

Antique paintings, rugs and throws
were spared no thought like you'd suppose
and portraits old from where they hung
were caked in cake as cake was flung!

Tapioca, custard, cream
dripped from drapes once kept pristine
and cornice, corbels, features rare
had splatters here
and splodges there!

But very soon the grey haired guilty
calmed themselves with a cup of sweet tea...
....Though Hicky Hall was not the same,
(or Sticky Hall as it became)
the woman's guild of Hicky Green,
(despite behavior quite obscene)
then booked with Hicky Hall a date
for next year's
Village Food Fight Fete!

Dirty Doctor Dunn! (From the Mad World collection)

Dirty Doctor Dunn
found his job quite fun,
though never seemed to
ever wash his hands.
Under finger nails
were bit of old entrails
you could smell then as he felt around your glads.

He'd pick about and probe
in bottoms and earlobes,
accumulating bits of skin and germs.
With fingers down your throat,
one couldn't help but note,
an odour somewhat similar to perms.

Any open wound
he'd dress or clean with spit,
saying that the olden days were best.
No need to disinfect it!
(with him,
please don't expect it)
one germ is not that different to the rest!

Athletes foot and scabies
he'd scratch off with his nails
eating scabs he said they helped him think.
Specimens of urine
he'd keep for countless weeks
then would make a special dietary drink.

After several days
his hands would start to itch,
uric acid was his usual cure.
He'd have a wee on them
then pick out with a pen
the sticky bits to kill the germs for sure.

Many of his patients
thought he was the best,
they seemed to like his attitude to dirt.
Others couldn't face him,
not wanting to disgrace him,
they'd see another doctor when things hurt.

But Dirty Doctor Dunn
had manners most polite,
a quality that seemed to earn him trust
But those who should complain,
the patients with real pain,
often never lived to make a fuss!