Dirty Doctor Dunn! (From the Mad World collection)

Dirty Doctor Dunn
found his job quite fun,
though never seemed to
ever wash his hands.
Under finger nails
were bit of old entrails
you could smell then as he felt around your glads.

He'd pick about and probe
in bottoms and earlobes,
accumulating bits of skin and germs.
With fingers down your throat,
one couldn't help but note,
an odour somewhat similar to perms.

Any open wound
he'd dress or clean with spit,
saying that the olden days were best.
No need to disinfect it!
(with him,
please don't expect it)
one germ is not that different to the rest!

Athletes foot and scabies
he'd scratch off with his nails
eating scabs he said they helped him think.
Specimens of urine
he'd keep for countless weeks
then would make a special dietary drink.

After several days
his hands would start to itch,
uric acid was his usual cure.
He'd have a wee on them
then pick out with a pen
the sticky bits to kill the germs for sure.

Many of his patients
thought he was the best,
they seemed to like his attitude to dirt.
Others couldn't face him,
not wanting to disgrace him,
they'd see another doctor when things hurt.

But Dirty Doctor Dunn
had manners most polite,
a quality that seemed to earn him trust
But those who should complain,
the patients with real pain,
often never lived to make a fuss!